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Friday, January 7th, 2011
10:24 am - Life Update + DON'T BUY Miss Demented (or Miss Violet Lace) Wigs
***For those of you who read this journal entry before I edited it, the reason why I am no longer endorsing Miss Demented or Miss Violet Lace wigs can be found at this website:


Watch out for these two girls! Miss Demented and Miss Violet Lace have conned all of their loyal followers. Their Etsy shops are currently down (**edit: Their shops are back up.**) but they still have shops on Ebay. They buy the wigs from China and Japan on Ebay. They then make either no changes to the wigs (or minor changes like a tiny trim, sewing in a couple thin wefts, sewing two cheaper wigs on top of each other), mark them up an incredible amount and then resell them on their own personal Etsy and Ebay shops. I have found every wig I ever bought from these two "wig makers" sold on Ebay for substantially less on shops such as: pink_pink_house, cog_mark, wigstylist, mildgreentea-1, etc. If you want a perfectly good quality, reasonably priced wig, you can buy from them instead :)

Another note: There are other wig resellers on Etsy as well. MissBellaMuerte and Tiffany DeMichelle are quite possibly Miss Demented's other shops.

Also check out the reader comments at these websites:
Jen Cate- the one who first got the word out about these wig resellers has a formspring, where you can ask her any question. http://www.formspring.me/jencate
An article about the scam: http://etsycallout.wordpress.com/2011/03/12/missvioletlace/#comments
A youtube video about the scam: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wk5j5mBTks

Most helpful is Jen Cate's facebook community page ("JCWC")for those who've been scammed or are looking to make wise, informed wig purchases. Here, you can talk to a bunch of people who love wigs and want to help each other. You can ask them where you can buy a particular wig you used to love from MissD or MVL and they will send you the link to the same wig but much cheaper on Ebay. Also, Jen Cate is now doing a free Ebay wig giveaway. You don't have to endorse anything. All you have to do it paste the link to the Ebay wig you desire. http://www.facebook.com/pages/JCWC/19948076341667

Hi Everyone,

News since I last wrote... my boyfriend has moved out to the D.C. area, finished his PhD, and become my husband. We had the most colorful wedding I've ever been to, full peacock feather centerpieces, an Ace of Cakes 3 foot tall peacock cake, a purple and black leather and suede wedding dress, an amazing swing band, delicious food, and all of my closest friends and family. Not an inch of white in the place. I completed 4 wonderful years working with emotionally disturbed teens at a general ed. high school with the shortest commute I've ever had. We now have a beautiful 5 month old little boy named Milo Desmond.

current mood: bouncy

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Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
10:15 pm - Expanded personality test results
Personality Test Results

Openness To Experience

You are introverted, reserved, and quiet with a preference for solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends. You are generally calm and composed, reacting moderately well to situations that most people would describe as stressful. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working.

This report compares you to other women between the ages of 21 and 40 in United States. It analyses you based on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model (Goldberg, L R. 1999), and the six sub domains at each level.

explanation | back to top

Overall Score

You are generally calm and composed, reacting moderately well to situations that most people would describe as stressful. You are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some. You don't usually get angry too easily but some things can annoy you. You very rarely feel depressed and are usually in a good frame of mind. You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in. You are poised, confident, and clear-thinking when stressed.

explanation | back to top

Overall Score
Activity Level

You are introverted, reserved, and quiet with a preference for solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends. You generally make friends easily enough although you mostly don't go out of your way to demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You enjoy some excitment and risk taking in your life. You have a generally cheerful disposition.

Openness To Experience
explanation | back to top

Overall Score
Artistic Interests

A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You prefer facts over fantasy and are more interested in what is happening in the real word. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. You have good access to and awareness of your own feelings. You are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. You find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. You prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. You regard intellectual exercises as a waste of your time. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.

explanation | back to top

Overall Score

You have some concern with others' needs, and are generally pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You naturally assume that most people are fair, honest, and have good intentions. You see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.

explanation | back to top

Overall Score

You set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working. You are moderately confident that you can achieve the goals you set yourself. You are a reasonably organized person and like to have a certain amount of routine in your life. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing. You strive hard to achieve excellence. Your drive to be recognized as successful keeps you on track toward your lofty goals. You often have a strong sense of direction in life, but may sometimes be too single-minded and obsessed with your work. You have strong will-power and are able to overcome your reluctance to begin tasks. You are able to stay on track despite distractions. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

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10:10 pm - Personality type test - how well does this describe me?

My Personality
Openness To Experience
Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

MySpace Codes, MySpace Layouts and Personality Test by Pulseware Survey Software

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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
1:32 am - i guess i picked the right majors :)
You scored as Psychology/Sociology. Related majors that match your highest scored category: Anthropology, Biology, Chemistry, Counseling, Criminal Justice, Political Science, Psychology, Industrial/Organizational (I&O) Psychology, Sociology, Social Work.

Consider all majors in your OTHER high scoring categories. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.






























created with QuizFarm.com

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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
4:05 pm
I went to my first baseball game last night- took Josh to a Dodgers vs. Padres game as part of his birthday present. It was more fun that I thought, even though I think it was a slow game. No one scored until the fifth inning. Dodgers won, though, so Josh was happy. The french fries were surprisingly good. Because my camera has a 10x zoom, I got a good closeup shot of the Padres friar dancing around. One of the most entertaining parts was that one of the groundsman who cleans off the field area was a professional dancer and during the post 7th inning stretch, he was strutting his stuff to loud exuberant music.

Also, yesterday I got a myspace message from Carlie back in MD that she was moving closer to me. Since she loves the West Coast, I thought she had forgotten I was moving back to MD and that she was now moving back to CA. I was upset cuz we've really hit it off and I was really looking forward to hanging out with her when I move back. Instead, something even more amazing happened. She got a new job, sold her house, and is moving with her husband into a 2 million dollar house that another Magruder friend bought, along with another friend that I also knew from high school...and this house is in Fulton, MD, which is less than 20 minutes from my parents house, where I'm planning on living for a while if family shit doesn't prevent me from doing so. Carlie was really excited too and told me to come hang out anytime I wanted there. I'm sure I'll be taking her up on that! I'm still amazed that anyone a year younger than me is able to buy a 2 million dollar house at this point in their lives. He wasn't a trust fund kid either. I guess he's just a VERY talented, successful investor.

I'm off now with Josh to go to a BBQ being thrown by one of his Scripps friends, and then to another free comedy show at the Mission Valley coffeeshop. Should be a good time:)

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Friday, April 28th, 2006
2:21 pm - Life Update
So I'm driving cross country with Josh in about 6 weeks, possibly 8, and I've barely planned any of the trip. I should get on that. All I've decided so far is that I don't want to miss Antelope Canyon this time around, and Josh wants to go to a music of Frank Zappa concert ( http://www.zappa.com/cheezoid/whatsnew/zpz/ ) in Phoenix. I kind of wanted to take a more northern route, since Jordan and I drove the southern route already in summer '04, but I guess that's probably not happening. Nothing's set in stone yet, though. I wish I had more friends who've taken long road trips before who could recommend good sites to see. I find it funny that the only way I learn geography, which I was terrible at in school, is by actually driving through the states. Last time, Jordan and I got a map and traced in black Sharpie how far we'd driven each day and took a picture of one of us holding the map. It was such a great feeling of accomplishment, especially for someone like me who has a terrible sense of direction, not to mention that otherwordly feeling you get seeing such majestic natural land formations. I couldn't stop taking pictures the whole time out of fear that I'd forget how beautiful everything was. I'm sure it'll be amazing this time around as well. Josh has problems with his knees though, so hopefully so much time scrunched up in the car won't bother him too much. We also agreed not to make any hotel reservations ahead of time, which is going to both terrify and excite me, just from the unpredictability and uncertainty of it all. Last time every hotel stay was booked in advance. A lot of people have tried to tell me it's foolish to be so stuck on the idea of driving cross country with gas prices so horrendously high ($3.33 a gallon), but I need this trip as a sort of buffer zone between living with Josh and getting to see him all the time and living across the country from him again and hardly ever getting to see him. Also, I think he'd really enjoy the trip and would never go on something like this unless I dragged him.

I'm trying to create a support network back in Maryland for when I return. So far it's going well. I don't know if I can count on my family, what with all the family shit that's been going on lately, but at least I'm building up old and new friendships in the area so I'll have places to escape to and possible roommates to move out with. A lot of my high school people are still around there (although I know it won't be the same with the ones that have since gotten married) and I'm just hoping they stay put for a while. An old friend/acquaintance named Fiona just found me today on myspace, and while I haven't talked to her in probably 7 years, I remember she was really nice. I had a 3 hour long phone convo with Tidings yesterday, which was reassuring. She says she loves talking to me because I remind her that there are sane people out there who are still optimistic about life. We planned a tentative multi-layered, mini-cake baking party using that special kind of icing that's really malleable like play dough. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a Lot of cooking/baking to get my mind off not having Josh around anymore.

I just got 2 more teeth filled today and the anesthesia is still wearing off. I wonder if this is how people who have strokes in their faces from plastic surgery feel, not being able to control their own faces and not having any sensation there at all. Of course, mine's only temporary, so I probably shouldn't compare. It was kind of embarrassing during the surgery when this stream of water shot out of my mouth without any order from me and the dentist lady was like, "oh, that's your saliva gland." It also sucked being drool-ey and now I'm hungry and I can't eat anything cold or chewy. I'm going to follow doctor's orders because I'd be really pissed if I ate something I wasn't supposed to and it pulled my $450 total fillings out a few days after I got em. I guess that'll teach me to not go to the dentist for 2 years. I wish I had insurance. I haven't had it since I graduated college back in '03.

I've decided that I feel much more confident in my abilities nowadays. I was able to fill out a job application and actually have at least 3 references I feel confident in (which has been difficult in the past) and I have some good and varied work experience behind me, even if most of it Was unpaid internships. Also, I've managed to stay at my current internship for almost a year now, which is a feat for me, as I usually get to the point where I feel I've learned everything I can from where I am and have a desire to flee and cut all ties and start completely over somewhere else. I also have that love of novelty and variety. Some people are afraid of change, but I actually like it. It's exciting. I've only ever had one visit with a therapist and back then he told me I needed to get more comfortable dealing with uncertainty. I don't think I have any problem with it at all anymore. Moving out here was uncertain, moving back to MD and all the circumstances that'll entail will be uncertain. I'm not worried or scared. I feel like I've put the last 2 years completely into whole heartedly building and exploring my romantic relationship with Josh while he's been building his career, and now that that stage seems to be coming to a natural end (we're both satisfied with conclusions drawn), I need to sink some hard core time into building my own career, which has been on hold. I don't think he'd be happy if I had no career either. We've always tried to base everything on us both being equals and whole people in our own rites. I think it'd hurt my pride if I didn't try to pursue greater things- after getting straight A's all through school and working so hard and staking so much of my identity on being "smart," I'd feel it's a waste of all that to just stop now. Besides, it's not like I have kids or are nailed down to a particular spot. The plan as of now is to go back and work as a pareducator at MCPS for a year, make myself take the GRE somehow during that time, and then apply for a Masters degree in School Psychology. My dad found this tax benefit that if I worked 9 months out of the year I move and 9 months out of the following year, I can deduct ALL of my gas and hotel expenses for the cross country trip, since I'm moving for a "job change," but I don't think I'll be able to take advantage of that if i want to start grad school before those 2 yrs are up. We'll see.

Another good thing- everyone in our house seems to be getting along really well lately. Josh isn't as pissed about the dishes since he quarantined all of his (enough to be self-sufficient). Almost all of us were congregated in Lily's room last night talking for a long while. There was this great feeling of contentment and no-problems and bonding that I've never really felt before, since moving in here. It's a shame we finally got this far and we're all leaving in less than 2 months, but at least the next two months will be very enjoyable, providing Josh doesn't get as stressed about finding a new place as he did last year. I'm going to try to help with that while he's at his Cabo meeting from Sunday-Thurs, during which time i'll be realllly bored. On the upside, I'm doing the grocery shopping just for myself during that week, so I can eat all the things I like but Josh doesn't (which we never buy). Mmm. I guess I can't add caramel apples to that list cuz of my teeth. Rrr. I even have a box of caramel in the cupboard from last Halloween, waiting to be eaten. Maybe I'll make that greenbean casserole with fried onions that josh won't eat cuz it has mushroom soup in it. That'll be soft enough to not hurt my teeth.

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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
5:07 pm - 2 Years Later
So it's almost my 25th birthday, or quarter century, as my dad would say. I have so much free time these days that I've been considering starting to journal again- just haven't found an attractive and inspiring enough bound notebook at Borders or Barnes and Noble yet. Internet journaling just isnt the same- I like taking out my journals from middle school and seeing the personal handwriting and knowing I can keep them forever and they won't ever get deleted or such.

So I've been living in San Diego with my boyfriend Josh for the last year and a half. I'm most likely moving away from here June 15th when our lease runs out, due to job shortages, lack of funding, low pay, no non-bilingual jobs, conservative attitudes and plethora of navy stuff here, etc etc. Who knew- even being in sunny warm weather all the time AND having the boyfriend you love so much around every evening and weekend isn't enough to sustain a person. I do love living with him, though. Cooking dinner together every night is one of our favorite bonding activities. If we ever get married (which there have been several intimations that we will, eventually, maybe after he finishes his PhD in a couple years), at least I know what it might be like ahead of time, and both of us will be secure enough in our feelings that we'll be sure that's what we want, at least in the relationship realm. I've been interning with San Diego Children's Hospital, Child and Adolescent Services Research Center as a research intern for over 7 months now and may continue to do so, out of lack of better options, until I leave. I started out full time and now am down to 1-2 days a week, less than 10 hrs a week (not by my own choice). The center has lost a ton of funding since I started, so bye bye went the research assistant jobs I hoped to get there from insider connections. The Katz's were nice enough to offer to let me stay with them for a few months when my lease runs out, but then I'd have to take a job in L.A. (which both josh and i hate) and I wouldn't even be able to live with him, plus the Katz's never cook and have weird eating restrictions and cooking freely has come to be one of my greatest pleasures now.

I've been peppering all this free time with trips and hobbies. I tried to start up making jewelry again. I took a 2 week trip to MD and NYC and saw 18 high school and college friends, as well as Leslie (from middle school)'s WEDDING!. It felt nice to know I still have friends even though I live so far from all of them and never get to see them, and I felt loved that so many people took the time to travel to see me. List of those who care (or were around): Jenny Kim, Leslie, Jennifer, David Robinson, Nkem, Darin, Barak, Dave Block, Jessie! Rubin, Sharin!, Kyung, Trish- sort of, BTodd, Sam, Bobby, Jonah and Sabrina. I drove up to L.A. to see my dad when he was staying with the Katz's. Josh and I just got back yesterday from our San Fran trip. We were there about 6 days + 2 days driving time. It was a lot of fun and both of us really like that city. We stayed with Leslie, a gay friend from Deis. We saw Josh's good friends- Christina, Mikey boy and Yari, and I narrowly missed seeing Sarah Katz. Other activities included: buffalos at Golden Gate Park, Exploratorium and Tactile Dome, the Stinky Rose (garlic restaurant), Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, sea lions, Chinatown (very briefly), UC Berkeley, Stanford University, Menlo Park and Palo Alto, and navigating San Fran's many forms of transportation. We also got to know Leslie's girlfriend Iris (VERY NICE) pretty well. Unfortunately, due to a massive storm that hit the West Coast 2 days after we arrived, there was tons of rain and we were stuck inside and didn't get to hit Muir Woods, Monterey and Salinas (Andreas and Steinbeck Wax Musuem), or Santa Barbara (Chris Bersbach). Driving home was crazy- torrential downpour and 50mph winds that made the semi trucks wiggle helplessly back and forth in the road. Josh's CRV was susceptible too since it's higher off the ground, but I was still glad we drove instead of the train- I love road trips. Now I'm trying to finish Josh's book- the 13 1/2 lives of Bluebear.

Hopefully in the next year i'll be better about keeping in touch with friends. Tidings sent me an email today- the first New Years she was home in MD in YEARS and I missed it :( Becca's still in Switzerland being an au pere but will be home in MD in August maybe. Nkem's starting a new job at Columbia Univ in the McNair Scholars Program on Jan9, finally no more soul-killing paralegalling.

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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
11:11 am - Just cuz i haven't updated in a while
So that good job i had for sure- i lost it because I'm going to CA for a month and they need someone sooner (even though the interview lady knew from the beginning i was going there for that long and made it seem as if that didnt matter and i definitely had the job for sure cuz she loved my enthusiasm). Yet for some reason, i dont mind so much. I feel free. I have this feeling life is going to change a lot soon and sometimes i thrive on change. Funny how some people are the opposite and change is the thing they fear most. Also i feel somewhat prepared, which is comforting. Preparation usually means gathering knowledge about whatever it is i feel anxious about. Last night i made a list of at least 22 unusual and odd places to visit around the dc area complete with addresses, cost, phone, and bit o description, which i'm sure will come in handy. Off to volunteer at Sequoyah again. If and when i ever finally get a job, i'm really going to miss that place and the kids and staff that build me up so much.

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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
7:21 pm - maybe i'm being too picky bout this job business...
What am i looking for in a job? Closeby (less than 30, preferably less than 20 min away), something having to do with figuring out my career goals (something new to try, something that'd look good to grad school), good schedule (either full time with benefits or 2-3 part times that fit together somehow), decent pay (>$12 based on comparison), most importantly something i'm very interested in and excited to do. Something where i get free/paid training would be good too. So considering all that, i guess it's possible that i;m being too picky and that's why i have no real job yet. Or maybe it's that i;m enjoying volunteer/interning at sequoyah ES so much that i dont want to leave, which i would most likely have to if i got a job. So now it's time for pros and cons of the few opps i have right now:

1)Therapy Aide at Spectrum Center: prolly at least half hr away and have to deal with traffic on the pike, flexible hrs made up of any of the following- full day (9:45-6:15) mon/sat, 10-12, 1:30-3:30, 4-6 (which they mostly need), gain skills with autistic and devmtl delay kids with range of ages, paid training?, $12/hr, have to pay $1/hr parking in bethesda.

2)Sp.Ed. for MCPS- 1:1 aide: 6th grader with autism, 6 month commitment, 4 or 6 hr/day, there's a rockville location so prolly not more than 20-25 min, full benefits, but i have to move if the kid moves No Matter Where They Go eee, forgot to ask how much it pays, dont have the diversity of working with more than one kid/disability, county job so will have to pay $50 and go through red tape paperwork and background checks etc. If i do this, i will have an "in" with MCPS and can get at a bit higher choice jobs like instructional assistant, etc, at least more than i have now starting out (gotta love seniority), But dont know if i'm planning on sticking around in MD long enough to be able to make use of that seniority if and when i get it.

3)Instructional Assistant at a private school in the county: further away, would hopefully get to work with kids with emotional issues which is ideally what i want now instead of developmental issues, would get variety, dont need teacher cert with private schools but less pay someone told me. And what will i do if They offer me 1:1- sounds more attractive than public school 1:1 cuz emotional, not devmtl. (note: i dont actually know that i could get this job yet, unlike the other 3 i've listed. placed a couple calls- one said they have an opening at landover, which is 36 min away without traffic, and the other hasnt called back yet).

4)Go around to stores and restaurants and fill out surveys on them: $10-50/survey filled out, sounds sketchy and they wont tell me how they determine which amt, have to drive to a bunch of random places, can choose own schedule and work load, dont know how many opps they send your way, for at least one of these companies they make you pay $50 for online "training" (which is prolly how they make their money...), no social perks really.

And as for the past... i've tried working as mental health counselor in a hospital (on and off 2.5 months), a psych intern that wasnt as it seemed (4-5 days), a secretary for mom's friend (7 hrs), observed AVB therapy for autistic 7 year old, considered doing AVB/ABA therapy for an autistic child starting out (age 3). Then i wasnt so sure i wanted to do the autistic thing for several reasons and was maybe only trying it cuz it was new, offered free training, and was something i knew i could get a job in cuz there's such great demand. I could always cave in and work just for the purpose of earning cold hard cash- babysit, work in a chocolate shop, retail (shudder). Not quite sure when that "end of it all" will arrive- i guess i should set a deadline- maybe in Jan when parents start charging rent...

Obviously, i'm pretty confused career wise still, which is quite unnerving. Gotta keep trying things i guess, and maybe cut out the pickiness...

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Friday, August 8th, 2003
6:35 am - maLAiSe
All week i've kept having the feeling that this might be the last beach week with the family for me, and this is the last day of it. Stupid uncertain future (the one time i went to mom's therapist last year, he told me i had to learn was how to deal with uncertainty, so i guess that still holds...). I tried to catch a sunrise yesterday and today (despite it being an aberration for me to get up early ever, specially on vacation hehe) but it was too foggy or cloudy both times, although Now i see a fuzzy ball of orangish yellow at half mast. Last year things were different. I remember seeing both a sunset and a sunrise- gorgeous and clear- with Nkem, but i was thinking i'm glad the good ones happened then so that Nkem could see (ya dont get the opportunity to see sunrises much in the Bronx) and so i could share an experience so majestic with her. After having her here last year, it was kinda lonely this year, despite still having 5/6 family members with me. But then again, last year i was a whole lot more carefree and "skippidydoo". Hmm i dont know, could it have to do with the fact that there's no more safety net of college to welcome me home in a couple weeks, that most of my friends are very far away, that my boyfriend is in CA, and that i have no clue where my life is going or what i want to do career-wise? Perhaps. And even a "vacation week" such as this isn't stress-free. I didnt get to read for fun as much as i used to and i ended up doing GRE "studying" for several hours. Strangely enough, GRE stuff makes me feel better cuz it seems more concrete and reliable- it's the closest thing i have to schoolwork, which i know i can do well. Mind you, i have no idea when i'm Taking the damned test and it all reverts me back to the thought of why am i bothering to take it anyway seeing as i'm lacking a further goal- gotta be taking it For something- like to send to some elusive grad school. Scares me to think that this is the best my life's gonna get anytime soon... after trip to CA, it'll be back to stress and pressure of having to find some job that gives me experience in my field (that phrase is getting to be laughable now), but pretty soon i'll prolly have to stop being choosy and cave and get some low paying job that has nothing to do with my field just cuz i need money and so i dont get kicked out of the house. I dont really even want to live there much anyway- i feel out of place there, like it's past my time to be there and most other people my age are already out of the house living on their own, that or frolicking abroad and trying to delay the inevitable of having to stew here and find a job in a killer market. I guess i just feel isolated in general. I miss lots of things and people and I'm missing things and people. I know this is not my usual (but maybe 'usual' only applies to me at school) self (which is a scary thought cuz i can never be at Deis again), and now that i've spouted out all this negative stuff i should find all the positive things bout my situation like i used to, but i think i'm in too negative of a mood so everything reverts back to something depressing and i just have this stubborn compulsion to wallow in self pity for a bit. Yet i dont see any benefit to being in such a mood and sucj moods are lasting too long these days and i dont like letting people see me like this. Luckily, next to no one reads this, and even less than that since i never post, so i dont have to censor myself really. Blah. So i Should be happiest evahhh- i'm going to CA in a few days and i'm going to get to see josh. I'll save all the feelings associated with That for another entry. I'm off to buy donuts at the donut factory (i.e. the little pink hut that's one of the best things bout the beach here that has no donuts left if you come one minute after 8:30 cuz they're sooo good. Mmm). Hopefully some appetite will resurface in a couple hours so i can eat 'em. Oh and yay for learning to drive the minivan, which was easy as pie, so i dont have to walk 6 miles to get to and from the donut factory! After all, being thin is sposed to be good for something, right.

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Monday, July 14th, 2003
5:20 am - I have returned muahaha
So, i got a suggestion to update this old thing. I discarded the idea in the past but sometimes all it takes is one person to say, "you have free time right now"...
Perhaps i'll use this for those few things that i think but can;t say aloud and those great little tidbits of my daily experiences that i forget to mention in a conversation that would otherwise be lost forever. Like the other day in the metro when i saw a kid point at the poster for Legally Blonde II and say about Reese Witherspoon, "Look mom! A barbie!" She really does look like one- plastic and shiny, blonde and blue eyed, along with the message that she's the kind of person who's sposed to get ahead in this world. But anyway...my life has changed drastically since last i wrote, which was during the carefree days of my college career. I've now graduated magna cum laude with a double major in soc and psych and have become disillusioned with undergrad education in general. I feel like it made me well rounded but gave me almost No practical skills to use hands on in jobs related to my majors. Also, i miss learning. I know one can learn in every day life- tons of opportunities for that- but you have to make more effort to seek it out and it isnt usually academic type learning. And people sometimes get fed up with my insatiable curiosity now- one thing that doesnt happen so much in college, cuz it's more expected. Also, the job i thought would be amazing is gone to pot pretty much now, so i have to rally my motivation and energy and hope and start all over again, which seems to be easier said than done. This prolly all seems negative, when really many things in my life are good. Living at home again isnt so bad as i thought it might be, i'm saving money by not living on my own, i'm keeping pretty good touch with college friends even though none are near here, and i have a usually-smoldering romantic relationship with a bf which seems to be going quite well despite the 3000miles of distance (and i always said i'd never do the long distance thing haha). Never know what life will throw your way. And my faith in relationship and job stuff wanes and cycles, but sometimes (i guess it's fate- still not sure if i believe in such a thing)makes it hard to Not have faith in the idea that things have a way of working out. So i too wait in suspense to see how my life will turn out in this time when so much seems uncertain in terms of my future... And i believe that's enough for my comeback post:) Until next time...

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Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
2:57 pm
An interesting excerpt:
"Learning faulty definitions of love when we are quite young makes it difficult to be loving as we grow older. Most of us learn early on to think of love as a feeling. When we feel deeply drawn to someone, we CATHECT with them; that is, we invest feelings and emotions in them. That process of investment wherein a loved one becomes important to us is called "cathexis." In his book, Peck rightly emphasizes that most of us 'confuse cathecting with loving.' We all know how often individuals feeling connected to someone through the process of cathecting insist they love the other person even if they are hurting and neglecting them. When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another's spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse and neglect are, by definition, the opposites of nurturance and care...

An overwhelming majority of us come from dysfunctional families in which we were taught that we were not okay, where we were shamed, verbally and or physically abused, and emotionally neglected even though we were taught to believe that we were loved. For most folks it is just too threatening to embrace a definition of love that would no longer enable us to see love as present in our families. Too many of us need to cling to a notion of love that either makes abuse acceptable or at least makes it seem that whatever happened was not that bad."
~bell hooks

I like the distinction drawn between attachment (cathecting) and love. That last paragraph reminds me of my mom when she related a story to me about how she broke down after realizing that what the therapist told her- that there was no love in her childhood family- was true.

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Saturday, November 16th, 2002
8:48 am - I really shouldn't be allowed to have power *evil grin*
Oh is it great when you catch people at Just the right moment, when they'll give you something you want when they never would have at any other time. Hehe Nkem has given me permission to try and set her up for our last Screw Your Roommate. She's gotten to set me up the last 2 years and deprived me of doing the same for her, but now the fun begins. The target's been in my mind for a long time. I really shouldn;t be so gleeful when i;m playing with someone else's love life...

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Friday, November 15th, 2002
2:27 pm
I know it;s very difficult to keep from judging people, but is it really always Wrong to judge them? I don;t necessarily think it is, but i;m not sure why. If other people that are more objective would agree with the particular judgment, it seems right somehow, closer to truth than a judgment come to on one's own. I know people change- so the judgment might not fit someone anymore at a later time...is that what might make it wrong to judge, that it doesn;t allow room for growth? Is it wrong because one wouldn;t want someone else to judge one's own actions or feelings? It is wrong because the person doing the judging can;t know All of the circumstances and feelings and pressures that motivated the judged person to do what he/she did, and not having a full picture would make one judge incorrectly? Where are the limits- are Any judgements justified? Is it alright to judge someone for killing another person? If one says it's wrong for him/her to judge other people, does this mean he/she thinks it's wrong for others to judge other people? If not, what's the difference? If i say it's wrong for me to judge others but not for other people to judge others, then aren;t i making a judgement call (about myself) right there- that I am on a higher, more noble moral plane because i'm able to realize that judging is bad and i;m able to control myself enough to refrain from doing it (while others shouldn;t have to or can;t)? Hmm.

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2:02 pm
Tonight I;m going to dinner with a friend i haven;t hung out with all semester until last night. When I asked her which restaurant she wanted to go to, she said she didn;t care- all she cared about was spending time with me. Now, i feel this way about the people i care about often, but i rarely hear it from others because i doubt many of them feel it. But it felt nice to hear and i immediately started drawing a mental line amongst my "friends" to separate out the precious few that really seem to care about me. I;m sick of sitting there and listening to others bitch for hours without asking anything about me because sometimes i actually Do want to talk about myself. I marvel at the fact that some 'friendships' seem to be based on if i happen to be in the right place at the right time. I wonder how i can still manage to feel invisible and forgotten when i;m in the middle of a group of these 'friends.' I've never liked the whole group thing so much anyway. Funny how people think i have so many friends. I feel odd now, like a mixture of sadness, bitterness, maliciousness, calm, acceptance, wondering if my mind will change again, and the beauty and joy of appreciation for the ones that care.

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1:55 pm
What's the difference between making fun of someone and being critical of that person (the first being a positive, kidding sort of thing and the second being negative)? Tone, Sensitivity, Intention, Interpretation, or something more? Trying to figure out why i take some comments more personally than other comments...

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Thursday, November 14th, 2002
2:35 am
I just read back over what i said in the last post and it seems rather negative and depressing. I almost feel like deleting it but i;ll leave it for now. Some of the things i;ve said in there are more of stale issues that i;ve been thinking about for a long time and have made progress on, and some of them aren;t the whole picture. Interesting- in my last journal for Soc of Empowerment, my prof commented that my single spaced one page list of fears was "painted, very real, even exhilerating" and asked me if i was avoiding judgement of myself and if it's authenticity (my own, i guess) that eludes me. Something to think about. What Is authenticity in the context of self anyway...

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1:17 am - Much Introspection...as if that was any different than usual heh
All my old posts seem so innocent and playful and light, somewhat devoid of emotional undercurrents and what I was feeling about what I did at the time. I wonder why- perhaps because I wasn;t so conscious or aware that the feelings were there, or I didn’t feel them as deeply, or I found something unsettling about posting them online for all to see (even though as far as I know, only two or three people I know are even aware that this lj exists, and they probably stopped checking because I never write in here).

I worry too much these days. Maybe because i feel like i have so much more to lose. And i think too much- like i've been sitting here thinking how much of what's in my head i can put on here- who might see it, how it might affect them...i should probably just stop thinking at all and just type stream of consciousness. I wonder how many other people out there are voyeurs like me, reading these things for bits and pieces of other peoples' lives- friends, friends of friends, complete strangers.

And why do i have such a hard time with things in a relationship? I used to think i knew very well what 'healthy' was, and i have so little baggage compared to other people i know, so how could anything but healthiness characterize my relationships. But so many other things happen that I’m not expecting or counting on, and part of that is beautiful, helps me grow, which is something i always want. Why can;t i sit back and relax and enjoy the unexpected things? Instead, i sit here and think and worry that I'm doing something wrong, not doing enough, not talking enough, not letting myself be openly vulnerable enough, leaving things unsaid that may bother me, being too sensitive to what someone else might be feeling, being too sensitive myself. I doubt myself and my abilities and feel unsure often. I don;t live in the moment enough. I wish i could convey the joy and inspiration i get out of some of my experiences better so that someone else could take some of what i got out of it away also, but i seem to have a lot of trouble doing this. Like something will happen to me in a class or event i go to and unless i consciously think before i speak about every detail and try to recreate the mood i'm in in my head before i speak, and even sometimes when i Do do this, i can;t convey it well enough and much of my joy is lost in relating the story. Or rather, it makes me sad.

And what do i have to give to a relationship anyway...yeah sure i;m stable and 'healthy' (although it may not seem so after reading this post haha, but maybe it's just my mood)but it doesn;t make me feel good to hear this. None of that is something unique to me- any other girl could be stable and healthy, even if many of them aren;t. And even if they aren’t healthy or stable, being told that I am doesn;t seem like a compliment. I should be able to explain this better, but i can;t right now.

Besides being stable and healthy, i;m apparently too nice and considerate and patient. This means that my opinions and judgments get dismissed because what might 'pass par' for me wouldn;t get anything or anywhere with the average person. Apparently if a 'mean' person said the same thing i did, that person would get taken much more seriously and given much more credit. This doesn;t seem fair to me. Being nice isn;t supposed to be a curse or something i get punished for. My opinions and judgments should be given credit or possibly even accepted as meaningful- god forbid. I feel helpless and ineffectual sometimes- what's the point of saying my opinions and judgments aloud if they'll just get discredited cuz i;m too nice? I;ll keep them on the inside or save them for someone who;ll take me more seriously- where they matter. Why is it more credible to be pessimistic and negative? I like my general optimism and giving people a chance. Not that I put much stock in gender generalizations, but you know how guys say girls go for guys that are assholes that treat them poorly… I wonder if the same goes for guys with girls.

Why is physical touch so important to me? Funny that i even ask that as i don;t consider myself a touchy feely person and i probably give off a dont-touch-me-respect-my-personal-space vibe. I guess i have a much bigger need for it than i previously thought. It;s sort of like being touched is like being reassured on a level above words- being told it's ok and i;m ok and everything's alright and i don;t have to worry anymore and I;m loved. And i need that reassurance more than i;d like to admit. Yes, i;m not as strong as i seem. A lot of it is a front. Maybe i put it up because i;m More sensitive than other people. Or because i don;t want to lean on others- that mentality of being able to take care of myself that I;ve needed previously- maybe as protection or as a result of not having any good friends to lean on for most of my life before college. But now that i Want to lean on someone, need someone, it's hard to break down that front. I;m going against so many years of practice at erecting it and not realizing the value and necessity of showing vulnerability. Even more importantly realizing now how Not showing it holds me back from a higher level in relationships, and i always want to reach higher levels, dont i. Or am i scared of that too? Because I know dependency and high-maintenance are bad things but I;m not sure how to separate them from the good kind of need? (How do I need someone without being dependant? What IS the good kind of need and how is it different from want?) Because it’s painful to need someone at all? Because the higher I reach, the more distraught I’ll be if and when it ends? And if I;m not, this means I’m cruel and heartless and that I never cared in the first place…That’s what I;ve been told, but I know it’s not true. I know none of this is that unusual and other people feel it too, but that doesn;t give me much consolation.

I was going to tell about my experiences the last few days- more surfacey, yet interesting, stuff i actually Did, not just thoughts- but i;ll save that for later. As it is, i wanted to say a lot more than i did,but it;s after 1 and i have class at 9 and still much reading to do. Maybe next time i;ll have the courage to call things by their names instead of edging and using pronouns and typing "someone." Or maybe i'm just adapting to become more indirect without realizing it? Not that it matters so much because as i;ve said, probably no one's reading this. That's fine- at very least, it;s helped me gather my thoughts while i;m caught in this mood.

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Tuesday, August 28th, 2001
11:15 pm
Wow- it's only 11:16 and already i;m exhausted!!! I got up at 9 am today to go to this huge man-size maze made of like 10 ft high corn stalks that ended up being an hr away with Kara, Bobby, Nick and Sarah. It was awesome! It took us a whole hour and a half to get through it and it was funny as hell- everytime we'd split into smaller groups and take different paths we'd meet back up again and we kept going over the same bridges over and over again. They played music over the loudspeaker and when sarah and i split off, we got them to announce that it was Bobby;'s 13th birthday (he;'s really 20) and all of them sang to him. And then when we got to the end we found out kara's hs friend worked there and we got her to announce that sarah and nick (who were still in the maze) were going the complete wrong way and they better turn back now, and keep giving them misinformation. Which prolly wasn;t such a good idea since they had the keys;) Then when they finally made it through, we went under their bridge so they thought we were still stuck in the maze when we were really done. On the way back we choked on syrup from the hugest ice pushpops i;ve ever seen (7 oz) and Nick had his legs hanging all the way out the back window and i was scared he'd get them chopped off from the 18 wheelers whizzing by us and he said his feet were dirty so Kara threw water on them and the water kept getting blown back through the window onto sarah and me the whole way back. After we got back i went to visit Bean in her suite and we swapped all our stories from end of last sem and summer. For dinner Jessie and i went to another frosh BBQ (mexican theme)- jeez is it far to get food now that we're on the complete other side of campus! At least the lines weren;t as bad tonight! The whole rest of the day we've had tons of visitors in our suite and it's been determined that bobby and todd are going to live here with us like permanently, so that leaves a minimum of 8 people in here at any given time... We also had our first floor meeting tonight (bobby and todd came too even tho they live in frickin east quad now), and it was crazy cuz most of the people on our floor lived in my building freshman yr- it was like a reunion. On the downside, i still have to go over which classes i want to visit and possibly take or drop tonight, and i havent; even bought notebooks or half my books yet. OHHH and i almost forgot- this girl named Trish is driving me INSANE!!!!!! She never leaves our suite (and sometimes my room) and her suite is just downstairs, and she's often inconsiderate and doesn;t consider anyone;s agenda but her own. So this presents a problem... but i guess we'll deal with it later. Maybe i can get bobby and todd to scare her away- that's sposed to be todd's specialty haha! Well i'm going to look over the course booklet and then turn in and get up early cuz first day of classes is tomorrow. Woo hoo! ~Sasha;)

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Sunday, August 26th, 2001
8:30 pm
Wow is it shitty weather out there! Too bad we;'re so far from the student center now- had to walk through it all to get to dinner. Good night to stay in...i think we're all gonna have a movie night:) It's feeling more and more homey in here- two more of my suitemates moved in so this side of the hall is completely populated now. It's been a very exciting day what with all the people moving in and seeing all my friends and acquaintances again after so long! My arms ache from helping people carry their stuff up- thank god for the elevator! (Although it Does make me feel lazy since i;m only on the 2nd floor!) Feelin sorta mellow and melancholy right now, mixed with bouts of hyper happy outlandish sarcasm- strange, huh? But it;s gonna be a great year! ~Sasha;)

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